Being a Divorced Catholic is Tough

It really is. (Warning OpinionatedCatholic Personal Post)

I saw two post on Divorce recently on Catholic Blogs.

Vox Nova had this post and the blogger looking at Catholicism or Orthodoxy had this one here.

I made the decision not to broadcast my blog to families and friends that know all about my life. It gives me a chance to vent some and use my blog to explore my on troubles, highs, lows, and my relationship to God. So the chances of anyone in my family or close friends every connecting this site to me is zilch. I have few Catholic relatives so it is not like one is going to come to this site by accident. The last thing I need is some Aunt reading this and calling my mom that I sound depressed. I think it is ok not be to be Happy 24/7. In fact it seems normal. Also I live in an area with hardly no Catholics so I need to use this to interact with others Catholics.

I am divorced. I wasn't for it but goodness we were both at fault. I can't blame my wife for all of it. . I did things that caused the situation I have today. We both did. The days of passing blame , holding on to hurts, holding on to past sins is way past. Still it hurts and I realize I haven't handled this right. It is frustrating that the man I am today might have been one that would have started healing in our marriage instead of hurt. Oh well that is life.

There are a few Orthodox Catholic bloggers out there in my sitation. I suspect there are others but they just keep this part of the lives to themselves for various reasons. If you notice Catholic bloggers don't talk about dealing with us divorced folks alot. I can understand that because they don't want to be seen as advocating divorce. Trust me I don't either :). Still I get a sense that many Catholic bloggers are afraid to being it up because of how they would be viewed. Trust us we are some of the biggest defenders of that Sacrament of Marriage.

Last night my ex wife(wife still in my book because it hasn't been annulled) called up. Our wedding anniversary is coming up this weekend and I think she might be feeling the same as I do. My divorce hit me hard. I mean way hard. I pretty much decided for a time period that Life was over and I was just going to check out. Oh I went to Mass, I went through the motions but I was pretty much checked out. Problem was it is hard to interact with God when one is "checking out". Going through the motions by the way was not a total wash. I absorbed stuff I needed to hear and God's grace was present to me.

I have made a decison that no matter what I shall live my life according to the laws of the Church . Let me rephrase that. It was through God's grace that I always knew that would be my lot. That is a blessing.

Of course this has a lot of real life effects. If one in weakness has sex not only do you confess fornication but you are committing the sin of adultery. I means if this marriage is not annulled I shall live a life as a single man until I die or she dies.. It means I could die very much alone because I have no siblings or children. It means my parents will not have Grandchildren. Just typing this I am getting down. But one can do it. I have found that out. Also it can be fruitful and joyful. I am slowly getting to that point or can at least see some light. Problem is I think I am afraid to move forward.

I started the process of real healing sometimes back. I think the major grace filled moment was a confession I had on Holy Thursday. When Catholics say salvation is a life long process we mean it. It is not some apologetic one liner to use in a debate on justification. I think it was the first real point of just surrendering it all up to God. There was real healing in that sacrament and I was healed or given the grace to resist a lot of self destructive behaviors I was engaging in. This is not to say I am perfect. I have sinned since then and fallen. If we want people to go back to confession it is helpful if we start saying that yeah we sin.

I also know there will be no reconcillation with my wife. The situation gets more complex because she got remarried very quickly(civil) and now has a child. So lets face it even if she wanted to reconcile that brings up moral questions that are to say the least complicated. The fact is that it will not happen. I still love here but I have given up on that false hope. Also with her situation now I am not sure it would even be wise. I know they are not married in the eyes of God but a new Civil husband and his child again cause moral questions that make my head spin. Anyway it is a impossibilty .

Last night's telephone was much needed and shows me that I have handled things wrong. I might have been living according to the laws of the Church but I am not so sure I was living its spirit. I think in my mind for self preservation purposes I totally cut her out. No communication and no communication with her family. I sort of bought into the whole" massive clean break" theory. That was wrong and it was still wrong even after she got remarried. I found out that her relatives still love me and I think I have pretty much sinned againstt hem because I didn't want to deal with pain. It gets worse. My wife is a believer but her faith has always been weak in a way. It is not that she didn't try but God decides to intervene dramactically when he pleases.

Well, the fact is that she still doesn't have this child baptized and now is so distraught over going through the annulement process that she is thinking of leaving the Church. That hit me like a ton of bricks and made all of this so much worse. Was part of this because I broke off communication with her? Perhaps. My former priest urged me to start thinking about a annulment about a year ago. I think I should have done that. There are various reason why I didn't do it. I was not ready to deal with my divorce in those terms, to revisit all that and perhaps for another reason. What if it really was annulled? Maybe I feared that because I do still love her. I guess last night brought that back into a big way. I wonder if I had started that process would she be in the situation she is today. I know much of this is her own making. No one forced her to get remarried. But I get a feeling that my own weakness and fear has played a part in this.

So where am I going in all this. I think the Church is in a delicate situation here. It can't be pro divorce but it must minister to us that fell into that sin. For many people in my situation there is no easy fix such as reconcillation. I also think that many Catholic divorced people have no clue how to deal or not to deal with the situation. I know that my "self preservation" measures affected my spiritual life. I know now there are some hurts and feeling I have so bottled up that I am not even aware how it might be affecting my personality and how I interact with others. Including my relationship with God.

On my Catholic Link list for August I see this event:
Diocese of Alexandria-
Seperated , Divorced, Widowed? Beginning Experience weekend will be held at Maryhill Retreat Center in Pineville Louisiana Aug 24th through the 26th. Call Decaon Mark or Libby Campbell at 318-425-3901 .

I might try to make that. In reality going to such a event sort of scares me. I am a real puzzle to my poor parents and family. Besides for a few occasions I have not opened up as to this. It is times like this that I am really jealous of guys that have sisters. I think I could have opened up to a sister and trusted her.

I am not sure trying to work this all out on my own and just saying " well if I can't get remarried I just won't" is all I need to be doing. In fact now I know its not. I wonder if I had taken advantage of an event like this lets say a year ago or earlier if my life would have been different in some ways.

So if you are Catholic and have been to a event like this leave me a comment or go to profile and send me a email. I would like to hear about what it is like.

Fianlly pray for me and my wife(I suppose that is the proper term even though society tells me it is not). Especially pray for her. The fact that she could leave the faith just is something I can't imagine. We both need it but I sense her need for prayers is much more of a immediate nature.